Queen Bean and Warrior Bean
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACK FIC! If you like straight laced Amelie, don't read. Amelie provides the drugs and alcohol whilst Shane gets the benefit. First crack fic. R


**I own nothing**

* * *

"I have decided to bestow upon you, you wonderful residents of my home, the privilege which allows you to call me by my new name," Amelie slurs as she walks through the portal into the Glass House. But something is up – where are they all? "Yoohoo, anyone home?" she calls through, searching for Claire or Michael or, God forbid, that Eve. If she sees her, she'll have to have a conversation about her clothing – morbid black does _nothing_ for her skin tone!

Shane turns around on the sofa and looks over the back to see Amelie, but she doesn't look the way she normally does. No, she looks as if she can barely stand up and is still swaying at the moment. But what attracts Shane the _most_ to Amelie's appearance is what she holds in her hands.

"Yo, Amelie, none of the dudes you'd wanna see are here, so off ya pop!" he rolls his eyes, feeling himself tense up whilst being around a vampire which he hates.

"I'm no longer called _Amelie_, silly boy, but rather _Queen Bean_," she emphasises her new name so much that he turns back around to face her in shock. _Queen Bean_? Was she actually kidding!

"Where the _hell_ did you come up with a name as cool as that?" he demands, wondering why he hadn't have thought of calling his friends different types of bean. It's only the coolest way that you could be right now!

"I'm the _Founder_, silly boy, so I can listen in on little people's conversations throughout this town," she begins to explain, leaning against the wall. Her eyes are bloodshot and unfocused, hugely dilated pupils the only thing he can see in them. "There was a girl called Rosie on the phone to her friend Vicky and they were calling each other 'bean' so I decided that, since I have all the power around here, I should be called _Queen_ Bean!" she gestures dramatically before almost falling. As she steadies herself, all the contents in her arms fall to the floor and she makes a huge _hmmphhh_ noise, which attracts Shane's attention back to the items.

"Amelie, sorry _Queen Bean_," he begins, as she shoots him an approximation of her evillest glare. "Are you _drunk_?" he begins to laugh at the absurdity of what he just asked: Amelie drunk! That's gotta be the most ridiculous thing he has ever head!

"Not drunk… what do you young people call it?" she says, gesturing for someone to move along in their speech as she tries to think of it. "Sploshing, no… splayed… no,… spotted?" she can't think of the word, but Shane has a _pretty_ good idea of what it is she is trying to say.

"You're smashed," he concludes and her face lights up as she points at him in delight.

"YES!" she screams. "Yes, that is exactly what I am! I'm smashed!"

Shane shakes his head at the absurdity of this statement before moving over to look at the stash of booze…

"Jeez, Queen Bean, where did you _get_ this from?" he asks her, marvelling at the age of the liquor. It's all over three hundred years old and very strong… and is that _drugs_?

"Myrnin made me keep a stash of alcohol and other things for him in the basement of my house when we founded Morganville and I decided that it was time for me to declutter the house, so I went down there and took a few bottles," she shrugs before opening one of the bottles and downing a good few chugs. "I have a feeling I'm flying higher than an eagle, that the wind beneath my wings is making me want to dance and jump and scream and shout!" she yells, shaking her head wildly.

"You're high as well… can I have some of the drugs?" Shane begs as he processes her behaviour. It's so… _wantable_. He wants to be as carefree as Amelie is, as strange and crazy as it is to see the normally uptight and distant Founder in his house, as smashed as the local boy who goes down to the pub every night and drinks fifteen pints of lager before downing a bottle of tequila.

"Sure, there's heroin or cocaine, take your pick," Amelie shrugs, sharing her stash as easily as if it were chocolate and a bunch of kids. Shane grins before picking up a bottle of the malt whiskey – unopened; he may be getting drunk but he doesn't want to share germs with Amelie – and a packet of the white substance he thinks is coke.

"Come over here and we can have drinking competitions!" he suggests and she grins, picking everything up. Then she hits the problem: she needs her hands to stand up as she has no balance, but she has no hands! So she resorts to crawling on her knees, the most unladylike anyone has probably ever seen her.

* * *

"Everybody is kung fu fighting!" they bellow, their hands which hold the bottles of whiskey trembling as they belt out the lyrics. They got the film kung fu panda out because the box is brightly coloured in red and white and their drug addled eyes _love_ the bright colours. Whilst others may see a storyline in the film, all they see is the colours of the various animals and the music lyrics – which include this infamous line.

"Queen Bean, what can my nickname be?" Shane pouts as he realises he doesn't have a nickname. "I mean, Eve calls me Mr McStabby but I don't like that… it hurts my feelings," he begins to cry and Amelie doesn't know what to do.

"Here, have some more whiskey," she suggests, thinking through (without much success on the thinking side) what a human boy would want. "And you, Shane, can be… your new name is Warrior Bean! I've seen your marvels on the games console thing – you are my warrior, my fighter!" she decides, and he soon perks up at this _strong_ and bold nickname.

"Whoop, everyone can now bow down to the Warrior Bean!" he says in his most manly voice. He then lifts his arms in the air as if he has won some sort of competition and his whiskey rains down on him and Amelie, coating them in the brownish substance.

They continue their sing along with kung fu panda for a little longer before switching to singstar, where they belt out tunes (without success in the tune part) such as Rockstar, Rolling in the Deep and a song called Biology by a band so _originally_ named, called Girls Aloud.

Energy depleting and in desperate need of more alcohol – for fear of _sobering up_ – the duo of unlikely friends brought together by drugs and alcohol collapse onto the sofa.

"Queen Bean," Shane begins. "Do you love Sam?" he asks her without hesitation because he is drug addled and doesn't care for hurting anyone.

She instantly begins to cry, curling up in a little ball on the sofa to protect herself from his hurtful words – even though they weren't really that hurtful.

"Here, have some alcohol – I'm sowwy," he says, pouting slightly for hurting his new bestest friend. He can't actually remember _why_ they weren't friends before but he knows that they both are having a ball right now and it _rocks_! She takes the bottle proffered to her and downs a good half of the bottle, sighing in relief as the effects take ahold on her body – it's strong stuff!

"I love Sammy lots," she whispers, calling him 'Sammy' like you would a little boy. "Sammy Pammy is my bestest friend and my love but I miss him… I want him here _right now_… but he isn't here," she begins to cry again, making Shane hand her the whiskey again.

"Hey, don't cry; _I_ can be your new best friend!" he suggests and she looks up through water filled eyes, the effects of the drug still making her look crazy. Yet he finds her beautiful.

"Kiss me, Warrior Bean," she says to him and Shane doesn't hesitate: he _wants more drugs_! And she called him Warrior Bean, which is the _bestest_ name he has ever heard in his entire life. So he scoots over and lays one on her, making her squeal as he presses his lips to hers.

Then the energy dies out of them both and he collapses onto her body, snoring loudly. His head rests on her stomach as her own eyes close swiftly – no romantic moment here of longing, just straight to sleep – and she, too, drops into the world of the unconscious…


End file.
